I want to scream my lungs out..
I want to tell you everything..every single thing i feel inside..
The longing..
The "i miss you"
The hurt

At least once..so i will be okay again..
So i won't be like this anymore..
Dead soul who's been wondering..longing for answer..

What?why?how could?
I hate wondering...i hate guessing..
I hate myslef for not be able to move on..

I wish i could hate you so i won't be hurt anymore...
But..i just can't..
I love you..with all of my heart..no space for hate inside me for you...
Please..for once..let me

Ya Allah..give me chance..for once..i know your plan is the best plan after all..but why it has to hurt so much?

Dalam kepala ni saya rasa saya boleh tunggu awak...forever..

Tapi pada masa yang sama..i told myself..for what?you don't like me..you never..

I do miss the merepekness of our late night conversation...
Most of all..i miss you..😊

Are you missing me like i do?
Do you thinking of me right now as i think of you?
Do you ever?

I want you to hug me so tightly right now..
Asure me everything will be okay..
I want to buried my self in you arm..hoping all this nightmare will go..
In reality..all this madness will never go away..
I will never be okay..
You'll never be here..
Not in the past..present and even in the future..
There will be no you and me..

Why is it so hard for me to accept this?
Who are you exactly to make me feels this way?

I miss you so much it hurts..
I miss you so much i wish you'll text me right now..
I miss you so much i become insane..
I keep wishing for impossible thing to happen..
You are the poison and only you can be the cure..

I am insane...

Bila kau cuba tapi kau never be good enough..
Penat..
Hopeless..
Giving up..

Teach me how to love again
Because i am a dead soul
Starving for love
Yet incapable to
Because only you
You are the only love i know
And when you go, you're taking my love too
Now i live with nothing anymore
Handicape.

"Kenapa kau masih baca mesej yang dia hantar walau pun dah bertahun-tahun dia tinggalkan kau? Perlu ke kau torture diri sendiri macam tu?"

"Entah. Mungkin sebab aku nak rasa kehadiran dia. Mungkin jugak sebab aku nak rasa dia pernah ada. Aku nak rasa balik how does it feel to missed someone. Walaupun semuanya sekadar pernah. Aku nak rasa yang i am human and i have feeling. Sebab lepas dia pergi aku tak pernah ada lagi perasaan tu untuk orang lain. As if i am a body without a soul. I am dead inside"

"Dalam dunia yang serba pantas dan sibuk ni, pernah tak kau rasa sunyi? Seakan-akan semua bergerak tapi kau statik je dekat satu tempat tanpa hala tuju?"

Lama dia pandang aku tanpa jawapan.

"Pernah."

"Erm.."

Dan buat aku sedar. Bukan aku sorang je yang rasa macam tu. Dan mungkin dalam seramai-ramai manusia dalam dunia ni, setiap orang mesti pernah rasa benda ni. Sekurang-kurangnya sekali dalam seumur hidup mereka.

Aku berpaling dari dia, mata aku tertumpu pada jalan yang sesak dan dalam hati aku bertanya.

Apa agaknya yang orang akan lakukan kalau mereka dalam situasi ni?

"You know what?"
"Apa?"
"Aku suka tengok kau senyum macam ni."
Aku pandang dia dan senyum.
"And thanks to you."
"Why?"
"For making me "remember" how to smile again. Sebab aku lupa how these smallest things can make me smile. Aku terlalu fokus pada kesedihan aku. Aku lupa banyak benda yang boleh buat aku senyum semula. And i forgot. I have you."
And those "lesung pipit" yang selalu buat hari aku lebih indah. Bisik aku dalam hati.

Aku lupa, kalau aku sedih kau akan rasa yang sama. Dan itu sebab kenapa aku dah lama tak nampak lesung pipit tu. And now, since i'm smiling again. Lesung pipit tu pun muncul sekali..

Hampir 7 tahun dah. Selama ni hanya pernah 3 kali aku mimpikan dia. Kali pertama masa beberapa bulan dia "pergi". Aku bangun dengan perasaan berdebar yang berlarutan sepanjang hari.

Kali ke dua aku tak ingat bila. Dan kali ketiga beberapa malam yang lepas. I saw you. Tak ingat mimpi tentang apa. But i saw you smile.

Selama masa ni aku keep back and forth..hari ni aku ok tanpa kau..dan esok i miss you so badly.

Pray for me ok..to be able to move foward without hesitation. I want you to be my sweet hello and still a sweet goodbye..

I wish to see you for the last time..maybe that was the last time..i should never look back ever again..

Berharap dapat hint..
banyak dah hint kau dapat mangkuk..
nak hint apa lagi?